"Every action, thought and deed will either produce peace or war, it is up to you to decide which you would prefer."
- Old Buddhist Saying

My husband and I were married for about 4 years when divorce was seriously discussed. He pushed for it thinking it would be best. We had one son who was 2 at the time, and I really didn’t want to become a single mom so I did my darnedest to stay in the situation. Finally in summer, we reached breaking point and I left to live with my family. My husband was going to file for divorce.

I could go two ways at that point. I knew, since I was the female, I could really get my husband back if we went the attorney route. Vengeance sounded good because I was angry it had come to this. I knew the government would force him to pay for quite a bit if I asked. My family had the resources that they would quietly support me and still get revenge on my soon to be ex.

The thing was, as angry as I was; I knew the person that would suffer if I took everything I could from my ex would be our son. (Some women will say MY son, but that word is damaging.) If one parent is damaged financially from the other, how can that help feelings in regards to the kids? How can goodness come from anything like that? I also believe in Karma and realized that if I (who has more power in this situation) wasn’t kind, then it would come back to me. I prayed very hard to know the right thing to do (should I take what I can, or ask him for only what I truly need) -- and believe me, when you are a scared soon to be single mom, needs and wants can get really confused.

In the end, I asked him to allow us to work together on an agreement without any attorneys. You might think that was a dumb decision on my part, but the truth is… the Spirit of Love allows for much sacrifice and giving on both parts. My ex realized I wasn’t asking for a war and truly wanted him to be happy. He felt the same. We sat down one night and worked out an agreement. We did the standard joint legal custody with me having residential custody. He would pay me the child support according to the calculator and I gave up the right to ask for daycare or education expenses. (I knew my family would take care of those, so why should I try and cheat him?). We split the equity in the house, took just a few items of furniture, and that was that. He filed it with the "do-it-yourself" people the next day. The divorce was finalized within 3 weeks. In the beginning I was very poor and we lived very sparingly in my family’s house. I was frugal, living only on the child support and trying to go to school to get my degree so I wouldn’t 'leach' off anyone soon enough. My ex worked hard and was better off financially than I after the divorce (as most women would say about their ex’s) but I knew his pain was of a different sort and forced myself not to become bitter by the 'toys' he would buy.

I truly think that a woman reacts out of fear in divorce, not love. She soothes herself that it’s love for HER child, but truly it’s fear over the future that leads her to strike out at the ex. She’s fearful and angry about it. She can’t see what she’s doing because the fear is so deep. If she truly had love in her heart, she’d be relaxed and peaceful. Being calm, relaxed and peaceful is when someone can negotiate in the right Spirit. When a woman hires a big attorney and goes after the husband for everything, she will not win anything in the end. Her soul will be damaged and even if she’s set financially from his downfall, she won’t feel peace. Nothing good can come from war.

It has been 3 years since that day, and I have since remarried and moved to another state. I pay for our son to visit his dad frequently if dad’s work schedule permits. (Hoorah for Southwest!) I offered to pay for visits when I moved, because I knew it’s hurtful to take our child to another state from him. Our son has flourished knowing I truly like his dad and vice versa. In fact, when his dad comes out to visit us, he stays in our guest bedroom with our son. There is no anger, vengeance, bad Karma… I have been blessed since I decided to do my best to “tread lightly” on my ex’s feelings and pocketbook. We mean each other no harm and have both sacrificed much to have peace. Our son is an amazing little boy who calls his dad regularly and knows he has so many people that love him. It is such a blessing to know that we can all be in the same room (ex’s family, my family, my new husbands family – which actually happened last year at the funeral of my grandfather) and hug each other. I am happy and guilt free knowing I tried my best to not cause any harm to anyone in this process. I have truly been blessed because of it!